Problems on the Home Front

This is my son. This is my son when he hangs out with girls. They like to mess with his hair since he usually has it very, very short if it even grows a little bit-they like to braid it all up and take embarassing pics of him.

One of his friends posted this on their myspace and I went and swiped it. He'd die of embarassment if he knew MOM had it up on her blog. That is just NOT the cool thing to do. Heck, what does he know, right?

He and his girlfriend of two years broke up a few weeks ago. She already has moved on and has a new boyfriend. He, on the other hand, is drowning his sorrows in substances he should not be consuming. He doesn't get it at my house either, but at the local drug dealers. Now plenty of you are gonna tell me, get him into counseling, drug treatment. Been there, done that. It didn't work. Because unfortunately if you don't WANT to give it up and haven't hit complete rock bottom, you won't give it up. The kid (he will be 16 in December-still very much a baby!) has had 9 weeks of outpatient therapy. He has lots of anxiety, and unfortunately chooses to self medicate with marijuana.

We go to court on November 10th. Why? Because he broke into and stole things from apartments-they've recovered most of the stuff-but we are talking about $5000 worth of stuff here. A felony, actually FOUR felonies he is facing right now. And that is not including the stuff he has stolen from us. Drugs suck. I hate them I really do. And I wonder if my son will be a career criminal or grow up one day and put this all behind him. I am comforted by the fact that I know I have done all I can, from counseling, case managers, therapy, family therapy-you name it. I did it. Everyones blogs seem so happy, I never see anyone blog about the bad stuff-oh sure, the misfortunate accident or something along that line. But as parents we all wonder what our kids will turn out to be-and if they don't turn out good, is it a reflection on us?

My plan wasn't to have my son turn out this way. Sure, I knew he had bad anxiety and mental health issues. They put him on Paxil and Ritalin when he was only 7 or so-and he was (and currently is) in Special Ed. at school. But I thought he'd get better, or grow out of it. He didn't have a terrible life, the kid has never wanted for anything. Good clothes, afterschool care, love, attention, all the terrific toys, you name it. But there is always that lingering thought, maybe I could have done BETTER. Even when the professionals tell me, no ma'am, you have done all that you could-he made those choices-I wonder if the poor choices he makes are because of something I did.

That is why I don't write about my son much on my blog. I love him, but I don't know what to do. He doesn't want to participate in the normal family gatherings like he used to, he prefers to be with his druggie friends. He no longer attends school. He basically has no life. He refuses to live under my rules, but yet I am responsible for him. His old girlfriend? She just turned 14 on September 30th. Her parents let them sleep together at her house, and now she is supposedly pregnant. I insisted on a blood test since she cheated on him no less than 3 times in the 2 years they were together. They threw me out of their house. When the police raided their home for the stolen property, the search warrant didn't say drugs-so the scales, growing equipment, etc... that was found in the girls parents bedrooom? All confiscated, but they walked. Yup, like I am gonna let my grandchild (if it is his) live in that home where all it is to them is another $138 a month in state welfare funds.

Ok, so I will get off my soap box for now. Court is coming up next week and it will be rough, but I can handle it. I have to. Incarceration in the juvenile facility is a big concern, and a very real threat. But maybe he needs it, I just don't know at this point. It is strange, because I always talked to my son about drugs and the problems they caused, we used to live in a pretty big city when he was younger and sometimes we would drive around late night and observe the crack addicts, drunks etc... on the street. (this was on a late night drive for food mind you, we had Taco Bell cravings after watching movies!) So the kid is very much aware of the damage drugs can cause. Wish me luck folks, because this time I am gonna need it.