Monday, March 9, 2009

I Finally Spill the Beans on My Problem Child-LONG POST BEWARE~

UPDATED: Court resulted in $50 Restitution and 60 hours community service-6 days in the local juvenile facility all suspended provided he does the community service. Considering how he does NOT want to go back to that place, I know the community service will be done!

Because I cannot find my cable for my digital camera, I am unable to post pics until I find the time to look for it. Which could be hours, days or even months. No, just kidding-I think I know where it is, but am too lazy to get up and go find it. Ever have one of those days?

Tomorrow is another court date for my problem child. I told him I am saving all his paperwork and one day will make a scrapbook out of it-with pics of him behind bars etc... so hopefully when he grows out of this stage in life and smartens up and stops being an idiot he can look back on it and see what a brat he was.

It is not really a laughing matter, I actually used to stress so much about it-daily migraines, sick for days on end-and the feeling that I was going to have a heart attack from all the stuff he was doing. And of course the loss of control and parental respect. Blame his biological dad for that though, he encourages my sons bad behavior and enables him-they party together. And when I, the primary custodial parent go to the police to complain that my minor child is partying and drinking etc... with dad the law tells me there is no law against a minor child drinking with a parent present. So there is nothing they could do. And then, try calling the state to file a claim against your ex-and be told that the neglect charge could go against YOU because the kid lives with you in the first place. See something wrong here, folks?

I was a teen once, and wasn't an angel by any means. But today's teens are exposed to so much more-drugs, alcohol, teen sex, STD's to name a few. As parents we want to protect them from these things, but today I have seen quite a few parents laugh at me when I called to tell them that their child was smoking marijuana with my child. Why? Because the parents are smoking it WITH them! Now I won't pull a Bill Clinton, I tried AND I inhaled. But it was a passing phase and nothing more than that. So when I heard my son had tried it, I wasn't freaked out. I tried talking to him. And then stuck his ass in Rehab for 9 weeks. In Eighth grade.

Rehab was a waste-he continued using while in there. (it was outpatient) He just wasn't and isn't ready to stop. Then the thefts started, first from my home-expensive stuff, like Xbox 360's sold for $50, gold jewelry, $400 from his stepdad's wallet. I took him to court once-got the item back. His dad paid the restitution to the store (Gamestop) for the PSP he pawned. (with the help of someone over 18 of course) I thought I hid it good-evidently not. When I was in TX this past August and he wasn't even living in my home-he stole it again. This time, I never got it back.

He continued to steal. This time from neighbors in his dad's apt. bldg. Forcing his dad's eviction and getting caught for 2 felony robberies and 2 felony burglaries. He is facing detention until he is 20-he went for 7 days in January and hated it. But I feel guilty saying this, at least I knew where he was and what he was doing at night. He is on probation until he is 18. He told me that the thefts he got caught for were just the tip of the iceberg. That he could possibly be convicted for 10 or so more-if people talked. He said he felt invincible-until he got caught. I think the stealing for him was such a high that it felt almost as good as the bags of weed he got for selling or trading the stuff he stole.

I didn't bring him up this way. He was taught stealing was wrong. I divorced his dad when he was three, so he would not grow up in an alcoholic household. When he was little he didn't want to be around dad much, and dad didn't want him around either. It crimped his single man party going lifestyle. But as he got older, he started visiting more. Dad became the fun parent. I was the bitchy one. My son is most likely bi-polar, he fits the profile perfectly. And the risky behavior and wanting excitement is a big factor, one that continues to get him into trouble even today.

I have good days and bad days. I won't pretend life is perfect, because I know it's not. This summer he decided to move out. I played the tough parent, and said that if he thought the grass was greener on the other side-to go for it. Instead of moving in with dad, like I thought, he moved in with his 13 year old girlfriend and her family. They'd been on and off for the past couple of years, but she had cheated on him-and had sex-with other guys. In defending her honor, he'd gotten the shit kicked out of him once, and another time, a gun pointed to his head because he picked a fight with the wrong person. My son is pretty much a loner, and has only been with this girl, that I know-because he does talk to me about stuff like that. I tried to preach to him about safe sex-but she's pregnant and due in May. There is talk that the state may take her baby, which doesn't surprise me. Her three other siblings were taken away for neglect as her mother is an alcoholic. When he lived at that house, he was able to do what he wanted. And bring all the stolen goodies over there-her relatives bought the jewelry, the laptop, and were watching the flat screen TV and pretended to be innocent when the cops showed up at their door with search warrants and confiscated all the stuff back. They knew it was stolen, but weren't charged. They blamed it on my son-saying he had told them his grandmother gave him that stuff to sell. Um, dontcha think if your teen shows up carrying a $1500 TV into the house you are gonna ask where the heck it came from? I know I would have.

When school started, she went back. He waited for her all day at her house. After a couple weeks, she met a new kid at school. And dumped him, told him to get out and gave all his nice SouthPole stuff to her cousins and her new boyfriend. He's back with her now, and has been for awhile. But she did cheat on him, how else did he get the Chlamydia he is being treated for now? I wonder if this kid is even his, and when I demanded a blood test her parents threw me out. So now I wait. While my son stands by her and cares for her during her pregnancy. He doesn't say much about the STD, and is glad it wasn't Herpes or AIDS. I feel bad for her too, she is looking for love in all the wrong places-and not getting it from her mom-when she needs it the most. What's done is done. Irregardless these kids are going to have a harsh wake up call when this baby is born in a few months. And if it is his, I have a feeling I will be raising a baby as well.

I actually write very little about my son, but tonight I felt like spilling the beans. Why? I don't know, maybe I am brave. Possibly because all this makes you stronger-but it never gets any easier. Maybe it's therapeutic writing, I dunno. So there it is, the dirty laundry has been aired (with plenty of stains!) and the skeletons came charging out of the closet. One thing, I used to feel like a failure as a parent. Now, I no longer feel that way. The guilt is gone, and I realize I have done what I could and until he makes positive choices in his life I cannot change things for him. It is kind of like leaving the alcoholic wallowing in their own empty bottles and barf-once they hit rock bottom and want to change, then they are willing to listen. In the meantime, all the services and help you give them does nothing at all. Support them, be there for them but keep in mind that sometimes one of the hardest things you have to do as a parent is to let go...and let your child hit rock bottom before they pull themselves up and seek help on their own.


Leslie said...

Hi Michele,'
I am going to email you!!
Love you!

hondaray6 said...

Good morning Michele! As you know, I can relate! I just stopped by to see what you were up to and wish you a wonderful matter what it brings! I think my son reaching teen ager is when I stopped loving surprises!
Love ya!

areyoukiddingme said...

Wow, what a story. It sounds like a bad deal for all involved. I think the worst part would be the helplessness - he has to decide to change his life and there's nothing you can do to make it happen. Luckily, he has a mom who loves him - and I hope he finds his way back to the point where that is important again.