Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Living Life in the Land of Oz...

My mother is an addict. No, I am not talking drugs, alcohol or any of the other stuff people are usually addicted to. She is addicted to... daytime TV. Namely one show in particular, Dr. Oz.

Around 3:30 or 4 pm daily I will be getting a call at work so she can tell me the subject of Dr. Oz's show that day. If she can't get through to me, she will call a co-worker of mine. (no worry, this co-worker likes my mom and my mom bargain hunts and finds good deals for her, so it's no big deal)

Sometimes, she will come into the office and drop off coupons or some stuff I'd asked her to pick up. And she will talk about Dr. Oz. And what he talked about on his show that day. One show in particular she mentioned was about how Dr. Oz said a woman should "let it air out" from time to time. And I am not talking about the laundry hitting the breeze here, folks. Nope, natural flora and panties aside, we are talking about a female part that is, geographically speaking, a bit below the navel. This summer it was hot, and my mom told me she was doing what Dr. Oz had said... just lying on the bed and airing things out a bit. I gently reminded her that I hope she had closed the blinds before doing so-since her room faces that of a bachelor neighbor next door, and he may get more than he bargained for if he happened to step onto his porch for a smoke. Seriously, this was TMI as far as I was concerned-visions of my nearly 70 yr old mother airing things out haunt me to this day. (even a co-worker who mentioned this to her boyfriend tells me that whenever she walks around the house with just a tee shirt on, he asks her if she is "airing it out".)

Then there was how to reduce stress. By having SEX... and having a happy ending at least 3 times a week. Mom proclaimed that Dr. Oz said by following this practice you can add 7 years back onto your life. I dunno about you, but my idea of a happy ending and getting rid of some stress is getting a double fudge and peanut butter happy ending sundae with my meal at the local Friendly's. I wonder if it would have the same I don't think so. But after hubby heard this he's hoping for a little stress reduction as well.

Today, well, I could hear my co-worker laughing in the next cubicle over. I looked at the clock and it was that time again. She was on the phone, with, you guessed it...dear old mom. Who was filling her in on today's show. Which consisted of a pink light bulb in the bedroom (for enhancing the mood a bit supposedly and to make your body look better. Um, for me it would be lipo please!) and feeding your significant male other oatmeal with UNSWEETENED cocoa mixed in. And I am sure, now that all the frustrated housewives have rushed out to the market, there will be a huge shortage of unsweetened cocoa and oatmeal for a little while. And by the way, if you've invested in Viagra better to switch your stock holdings over to Hershey's, because apparently they know something we don't.

I just got a call from mom a few minutes ago... reminding me that tomorrow's my day off. And that she has a few appointments in the morning, but will be home in time for... Dr. Oz. Tomorrow, a few minutes before show time I expect to get the call... telling me to turn on the TV and tune in to the Dr. Oz show. But I will be busy... airing things out a bit and feeding hubby some oatmeal while we both bask in the pink glow of the new light bulb I installed in our ceiling fan. And I can assure you, that show WILL have a happy ending lol...

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