Monday, September 7, 2009
I lost my dad this past Valentine's Day to lung cancer... and my grandmother at the ripe old age of 91 to Kidney failure... on April 8th. It's been a hard year, and even though the cemetery is within walking distance, I have no desire to go there. The memories are too fresh...too vivid.
My mother makes the trip almost daily. She seems to find peace there. Me, I only get depressed. I took the weekend off from blogging and contemplated whether I was ready to visit the cemetery. To me, the best memories remain in my head and to see their tombstones makes it too...final.
My mom recently went to a dental appointment and now she has to see a specialist for some sort of cyst she has in her mouth-apparently she's had it for a long time. But now she needs surgery to get it out. She has never smoked, but has been around second hand smoke a lot. It is probably nothing, but I was alarmed when the dentist called her back into his office last Monday for a consult and referral to the specialist. Today mom and I went shopping, I am trying to do as much as I can with her because I know she also has no one except for me and my kids. I'm an only child, I have half siblings, but now that my father passed away we don't see each other much. My mom is depressed, and I think she secretly wants to move on and be with my dad-she's been so fixated on everything, cleaning her house out, getting papers in order...I dunno but it's been as depressing as hell for me as well.
She seems so fragile now, she needs a knee replacement but refuses to get it done and can barely walk on some days-yet lives on the second floor. She complains of aches and pains and yet seems at peace with it. I'm more like my dad: I 'd be freaking out. I just don't know what to think at times. But I do know that each moment spent together is precious, and to make the time of what we have. Don't take it for granted, because you just never know when that time will be up. So this weekend I have been remembering...those who have passed on this past year and trying to get the courage to finally accept it and move on. No one said it would be easy-but as each day goes by realization sets in and little by little I'm making progress. Wish me luck :)